Who would have thought

So my friend recently bought a home and it just made me reflect on how life is going for me. im so happy for her but i cant help but do a self assessment and be disappointed. i know that everyone progresses at different times as well. my other friend is married, the third one is engaged with child, i had to be the only derilect. who knows

Fabulous

so this weekend went well i must say. im dead tired, but happy i went this weekend. i had my sister inlaw kids and things turned out good. my son started eating this weekend too, just reminds me of how big he getting. looking like his dad more and more. im finally getting myself together and trying to figure out whats my next move.

how crazy is that

you know sometimes i am in so much aww of my son. he is so funny to me, just crazy. he is growing everyday, and just getting bigger and bigger. he is turning over now, grabbing faces, talking goo goo gah gah, staring into your eyes, grabbing on daddies beard, screaming for his ba ba. he is my kaden, my he-man jr. hehehe. life is funny. and i thank the heaven, earth, and moon for this little one. and everyday that i get to enjoy him.

its the beginning of the end

You know i never thought it would come to this day where i would just be so mad, that i dont want my mother in my life and i dont want her in my childs life, but you know what. i dont. she has never been a mother too me, she is mean, vendeterous, and evil spirited person. there is nothing god like about her. i hate her, i think im learning to hate her. and the whole family knows he is a fraud and they dont care. i gave up my life to deal with her shit and i took care of her kids and all she can think about is some fucking money that i owe her. she crashed my truck, i had to quit my job, and mess up my credit to deal with her crap, i had to go out and buy another car, cash. and she never once apologized, or said sorry, she just kept taking from me and while taking from me, verbally abusing me and breaking me down, until i felt like nothing, and keep feeling like nothing. i hate the day i asked her to help me and then again i wouldnt need no fucking help if i didnt have her kids. it must be my fault because i was the only stupid child to stick around and deal with her. im angry, very angry and im hurt. im tired of living my life as if i owe her something or if im the bad person. ill pray for her and i pray that god opens my heart and frees it from these issues i am burdened down with.

Animosity

Animosity please leave me...
see i need you to leave me because you are causing problems between me and the one who is to be.
you are shortening my patience and riding the last nerve that embodies me.
see i have prayed and rationalized as to why im here and what else should be.
i question if im sane, or if my mind is playing games.
it always boils down to the same old same.
im angry, agitated, shorttempered, and selfish.
i tell myself, thats not you, there is a better me. but where oh where could she be.
how much sacrificing needs to happen, what more self talk could i possibly do. i would like to crawl in a whole to get my just deserve.
see i know im a good person, good woman, good mom, good employee
but every now and then i get that scowl on my face, when someone is asking too much, saying too much, looking too much, and got there hand out for a little too long.
i just want to shout and scream NO, GET AWAY, NO I CANT DO THAT, NO I DONT WANT TO DO THAT, NO I CANT DO THAT FAVOR FOR YOU, NO IM NOT BUSY, I JUST DONT WANT TO DO...
but i dont say anything, and i fix the scowl on my face, and i replace it with a stiff smile. and i think if i stay away long enough, they wont ask.
if i hold my conversations short enough, they wont look.
but it never fails, and i always get caught up, and im left feeling angry, disappointed, and upset thinking i have no choice.
so.. animosity please leave me

Im pissed

It seems that it is always one thing after another. i sit here and this week has not been a good one. sometimes i dont know what is happening. one minute im happy and the next minute something else goes up in the air. im dealing with a baby, in laws, bills, short money, no time, lack of sleep, and everything in between. its just upsetting. im always on the go, and yes i feel like the camels back has already broken. when does it stop. ill keep praying and trying to stay focused. i just dont know, im just tired and sick and sick and tired. and the other one just wants to always party, whenever he get money he has to indulge in bullshit. thats his outlet, if we have no money how is it you are indulging in these things. lord just grant met he serenity. just grant me the serenity. this is mothers day weekend and please dont turn my attitude sour.

should i feel jealous

Well we had a baby almost 3 months ago. and so far i been locked down with the pregnancy and now an infant for almost a year. i love my son and i love my boyfriend. but i have not been able to do much for myself or go out alone and its no ones fault, its the turn of events and i must adjust, which i am having such a hard time doing, adjusting. i love our new family, but in the same token, it reminds me of why i waited so long to have a baby. im 29, finished with my masters and still wanting my license and phd, want to buy my house and be in a job that brings me security. im on a slow pace to the things that i strive for in life. i started a big part of it. i started my family. i pray on a daily basis that all the other things fall into place. God keep me on the right path and focused and patient. i have a great guy, great baby, and im happy.

Back to work

So today is my first day back at work and so far so good. on the other hand my little one is at home giving his father hell. i feel so bad for both of my guys. but i know they need this time together. i should not have to be rescuing my son from his father. i just hope Julian doesn't give up or feel short changed, its only the first day. I'm praying that my two men start getting a long with each other and give each other a chance.

Break down

So today was definately not a good day. I finally made an appointment to get my hair done and nails done. it was raining like a monsoon today and i couldnt do my hair and nails. then when i wanted to get some groceries, i lose my card. i couldnt deal with it. i started crying once julian was out of the way. its crazy being a mom and girlfriend, u tend to lose urself. i really dont feel like myself, i need a timing schedule to wash my ass. i dont know i love my boyfriend and love my son even more, i just cant seem to adjust fast enough. but i know i need to. and now my bf older sister is moving down here and i cant help but feel like the situation is about to get interesting. she is very needy and dependent, i just feel anxious about the whole situation. im just taking things in stride and trying to keep my head above water, but im drowning. i feel it.

Why the sudden change

So last night my sweetie comes in and he is excited and definately knows that he wants to move back home to ny now. im wondering why the sudden change and how come your so sure now. he stated that the chance i gave him, he wants to give me back the same chance and move back to ny. im excited and cant believe that we might actually be doing this. but i know he misses it as much as i do. i figure the more he chats with his friends, the more he is ready to go back. he stated that we both are changed people since leaving ny. yes thats very true and that makes me wonder, if thats the reason why we left, because we needed a change? or because we needed to grow within ourselves? who knows. maybe its just our time. a lady once told me that i would be going back home and i didnt know when, but by next year maybe it will be clearere to me.

The move

So me and jay are thinking of moving back to new york. and understandably we are both nervous. i know why i left, and the move down to florida has taught me a lot of things and given me a new experience but it also has messed up a lot for me as well. i been here for 4 years and i want to leave so bad. i have no real friends in florida, a dead end career, and a dislike for the culture. but it has been 4 years, i need to consider that. now im thinking what is this strong pull to go back home. i do have resources there and things that i love to do, but then again my mother and the drama is back there as well. what are the chances of me never bumping into her, its great, due to the fact that i can keep my distance, but it just reminds me of how sad things are between us, i wish i could just push the clock back and change things, but i know i cant. i wanted distance, but i didnt want to be afraid, and i think thats what it is, im afraid, i love not being obligated, but i feel im in the wrong and thats a whole notha story. now i have a baby to consider and a relationship thats 2 years new. and its crazy knowing all this i still want to go back home. i no longer speak to natalie, which is crazy, but its my reality. me and leyda are so much closer now and talk on a daily basis. i have known her for so long and we definately built on our relationship. i cant fail, its not apart of the equation for me. i wish there was a glass ball that i could look into and see my future but i know its not possible. i can only take things one day at a time. i know its planning and looking at the bigger picture. i know i need to get a few things organized before the big step happens
1. save up money
2. get my resume updated
3. fix my credit/lawyer/time share
then before i leave i need for someone to say YES UR HIRED, I NEED U TO START ------
im praying and staying positive.

Im back

So the last time i was here, i was trying to just lose weight and get some leverage on a new way of eating, living and just being. well i disappeared for almost a year, and for good reason too. When i stopped writing, i started a new relationship with a good friend of mine, went through so many changes with my living situation, became pregnant with my first child, and started a new job. I'm happy at this point. I had the baby 7 weeks ago, and he is beautiful, he is my world at this point. My relationship that I'm in is blossoming on a daily basis and i cant ask for anything better. The new job that i am at now, i started when i was 5 months pregnant, and it was definitely a blessing, less stress, less hassle, and i love being there. I also live in a new apartment and things are looking up. funny if u would have asked if this is how i pictured life, i would have something different planned, but i would not change the way things are at this point. I'm loving life at this point in time.