should i feel jealous

Well we had a baby almost 3 months ago. and so far i been locked down with the pregnancy and now an infant for almost a year. i love my son and i love my boyfriend. but i have not been able to do much for myself or go out alone and its no ones fault, its the turn of events and i must adjust, which i am having such a hard time doing, adjusting. i love our new family, but in the same token, it reminds me of why i waited so long to have a baby. im 29, finished with my masters and still wanting my license and phd, want to buy my house and be in a job that brings me security. im on a slow pace to the things that i strive for in life. i started a big part of it. i started my family. i pray on a daily basis that all the other things fall into place. God keep me on the right path and focused and patient. i have a great guy, great baby, and im happy.

Back to work

So today is my first day back at work and so far so good. on the other hand my little one is at home giving his father hell. i feel so bad for both of my guys. but i know they need this time together. i should not have to be rescuing my son from his father. i just hope Julian doesn't give up or feel short changed, its only the first day. I'm praying that my two men start getting a long with each other and give each other a chance.

Break down

So today was definately not a good day. I finally made an appointment to get my hair done and nails done. it was raining like a monsoon today and i couldnt do my hair and nails. then when i wanted to get some groceries, i lose my card. i couldnt deal with it. i started crying once julian was out of the way. its crazy being a mom and girlfriend, u tend to lose urself. i really dont feel like myself, i need a timing schedule to wash my ass. i dont know i love my boyfriend and love my son even more, i just cant seem to adjust fast enough. but i know i need to. and now my bf older sister is moving down here and i cant help but feel like the situation is about to get interesting. she is very needy and dependent, i just feel anxious about the whole situation. im just taking things in stride and trying to keep my head above water, but im drowning. i feel it.

Why the sudden change

So last night my sweetie comes in and he is excited and definately knows that he wants to move back home to ny now. im wondering why the sudden change and how come your so sure now. he stated that the chance i gave him, he wants to give me back the same chance and move back to ny. im excited and cant believe that we might actually be doing this. but i know he misses it as much as i do. i figure the more he chats with his friends, the more he is ready to go back. he stated that we both are changed people since leaving ny. yes thats very true and that makes me wonder, if thats the reason why we left, because we needed a change? or because we needed to grow within ourselves? who knows. maybe its just our time. a lady once told me that i would be going back home and i didnt know when, but by next year maybe it will be clearere to me.

The move

So me and jay are thinking of moving back to new york. and understandably we are both nervous. i know why i left, and the move down to florida has taught me a lot of things and given me a new experience but it also has messed up a lot for me as well. i been here for 4 years and i want to leave so bad. i have no real friends in florida, a dead end career, and a dislike for the culture. but it has been 4 years, i need to consider that. now im thinking what is this strong pull to go back home. i do have resources there and things that i love to do, but then again my mother and the drama is back there as well. what are the chances of me never bumping into her, its great, due to the fact that i can keep my distance, but it just reminds me of how sad things are between us, i wish i could just push the clock back and change things, but i know i cant. i wanted distance, but i didnt want to be afraid, and i think thats what it is, im afraid, i love not being obligated, but i feel im in the wrong and thats a whole notha story. now i have a baby to consider and a relationship thats 2 years new. and its crazy knowing all this i still want to go back home. i no longer speak to natalie, which is crazy, but its my reality. me and leyda are so much closer now and talk on a daily basis. i have known her for so long and we definately built on our relationship. i cant fail, its not apart of the equation for me. i wish there was a glass ball that i could look into and see my future but i know its not possible. i can only take things one day at a time. i know its planning and looking at the bigger picture. i know i need to get a few things organized before the big step happens
1. save up money
2. get my resume updated
3. fix my credit/lawyer/time share
then before i leave i need for someone to say YES UR HIRED, I NEED U TO START ------
im praying and staying positive.

Im back

So the last time i was here, i was trying to just lose weight and get some leverage on a new way of eating, living and just being. well i disappeared for almost a year, and for good reason too. When i stopped writing, i started a new relationship with a good friend of mine, went through so many changes with my living situation, became pregnant with my first child, and started a new job. I'm happy at this point. I had the baby 7 weeks ago, and he is beautiful, he is my world at this point. My relationship that I'm in is blossoming on a daily basis and i cant ask for anything better. The new job that i am at now, i started when i was 5 months pregnant, and it was definitely a blessing, less stress, less hassle, and i love being there. I also live in a new apartment and things are looking up. funny if u would have asked if this is how i pictured life, i would have something different planned, but i would not change the way things are at this point. I'm loving life at this point in time.